My own "Shack"

I started reading The Shack...yesterday. I'm on chapter like 6 and already I feel a little like Mack

Maybe this is my Shack...maybe I am here to meet with God in a uniquely intimate way. At one point it talks about how he has no understanding of why he is walking toward the shack, his feet are moving but he doesn't want them to be. I felt like that a lot when I was filling out my study abroad application. Then I arrived and there was no turning back. I was captivated and terrified at the same time. But God was ever present. Even now when I feel my "Great Sadness" creep over me God is ever present in a profound way. Maybe the whole purpose of this whole four month adventure is to draw me out alone to have an intimate conversation with me.

As dumb as it may seem, Chris lost his phone for about a week and just found it a few days ago. I couldn't call him when things got hard or I needed encouragement and with the time difference there are hours I simply cannot call. And now with being sick and having the rest of the American students gone I truly feel alone. I have been reading through 1 Samuel, thanks to my mom and dad, and through Psalms. David faced really lonely and hard times with Saul wanting to kill him. There are some heart wrenching Psalms where he wrestles with God and then rejoices a few minutes later. I have identified with David so much lately. I cannot say that I have ever had such a drive and hunger to read the Bible and spend time praying. I feel so lonely sometimes and when there is literally no one to talk to God has always been sitting there ready to listen. He hasn't quite taken the form of God in The Shack but he has been so close.

For any of you who have no clue what I am talking about go to Costco and buy The Shack by William P. Young for $8. Its so good!!

So, I will see you all in about 2 months! God and I have to finish our little hang out time and then I will be right there. I love and miss you all!

Or maybe not...

I am the only study abroad student sitting on this campus...a little lonely? for sure! I decided not to go on my Rural home stay...it was a super hard decision, tears are still flowing, but I don't feel like can risk my health that much. So far I haven't seen any signs of improvement with the pleurisy and now I also have and infected lymph node. Which may be good considering I forgot to pack toothpaste :( I will be staying with my host family for this week or until I feel well enough to go and join everyone. I am praying that in the next few days, or tomorrow morning, I can join everyone. I walked to school today in a lot of pain from carrying everything and it was about then that I realized I was probably not going to go. I was so excited for another adventure and something exciting to pass the days, unfortunately, I'm here, alone, no movies, no comfort, no white people even. Wow, I miss home. I really try hard not to count down the days but one thing I have learned very clearly is that I love home, I love being with the people I love and who love me back. I love feeling safe and having things be certain for me. I love American food and warm showers. I love leaves changing colors in the fall and the Christmas spirit.

I think one of the biggest things God has been teaching me while I am here is that I am NOT going to be a missionary. I love the poor and the hurting. I love to hold starving babies and kiss their matted heads. I love adventures and new things but not for long periods of time, especially when I am so far from people I really care about. This has really solidified my want to be an inner-city teacher and to love on the poor of America. I don't think I will ever not be involved in missions with whatever church I am attending but I do not think I am called to be a missionary, it is hard and they are strong people. I respect missionaries even more now because I know I could never do it.

Now that I have a week of free time I think I may teach my family a little about Halloween and carve some pumpkins! I can't wait to see Faith's face when her pumpkin is lit up! After it is all finished we will probably eat it for supper! Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. I am over halfway done and can't wait to be back with you all!

So long, farewell...for a week

Rural home stays start tomorrow!! We have a midterm early tomorrow morning and then we will set off..there is a lot of excitement and even more apprehension about it. Who will our families be? What type of house will we life in? What type of work will they do? We already know not to expect any electricity or communication with home and to be very flexible. Like with coming here we know nothing about our families, but this time tomorrow we will be sitting a table talking and learning about one another. So, communication will be zero until November 1.

Please be praying for me, it is Thursday evening and I am still not sure whether or not I will even be able to go. I have pleurisy, which is super painful and makes it really hard to breathe. Since I am not known for having the best lungs and I will be stuck in the middle of the African bush I want to be extra careful as far as health. If I am not feeling better by tomorrow morning I will probably stay until next Friday and meet up with the rest of the group at Sipi Falls. I would be super disappointed but I also do not want to risk anything. Please pray for quick healing tonight and for the rest of the week. Please pray for safety to and from Kapchorwa. Pray for a great time with a new family, for new lessons and experiences and new ways of seeing God when we are really on our own (our closest neighbor should be an hours walk away). We will be home on Sunday, November 2! Can't wait for my next blog to update you all on what happened!

So much to talk about

Wow, so much has happened this past week. I have done so many things that I will literally never forget. I will be brief; however, because something more exciting has happened...

First, I killed a chicken. Yes, me by myself cut off a chicken's head. Gross! Then Sam grabbed her by the feet and poured steaming hot water over her body to make the feathers come out more easily. For the next five minutes we pulled her smelly, dirty feathers out. When they were gone she was so naked, I said she looked cold and had goose bumps, my whole family laughed at me! Sam then took out the heart, lungs, liver, gizzard and intestines. Then I had to pull the stomach out through the hole where her head used to be. She actually had an egg she was about to lay and 2 that were not quite formed yet. They say the next time I have to do all the work of gutting her but I think once was enough. Little Elliot (read the Josephina Quilt Story) made dinner for us that night but I had a little trouble stomaching the chicken I had just killed. I only ate a tiny bit and can never look at a chicken in the eyes again. I am so very thankful for our already killed, plucked and gutted chickens that we can find in abundance!

Then this weekend we all piled into a bus to "find" a circumcision ceremony. We traveled about 4 hours to Mbale, which is a beautiful area in the shadow of Mt. Elgon. We met with a Christian man from the Bugisu tribe who explained, in detail...for 2 hours. He had "pre-arranged" for us to watch a ceremony at 4 that afternoon. I cannot and will not go into detail at all about what happened. It was by far the most intense experience I have had since I have been here. I am more than willing to talk about all the emotions and the whole experience but I want to do it in person when I come home. Not all of Africa, or any of my experience has been like that so I still want time to think it over and convey it in an appropriate light. So, ask me more when I come home...I can say I am sort of glad I went but will never go again!

Ok, so the good news! Chris found out about Costa Rica on Friday. I was super nervous and didn't know what to expect or even what I wanted. So, God decided at 4 that morning it was time to have a chat. I prayed and prayed it over and just asked God to give me comfort either way. If he was accepted it was an amazing opportunity for him but sad that we would be apart. If he was rejected I would be so sad he wasn't able to go but happy to be together again. I really started to pray that in either situation God would help me to respect and honor Chris. That no matter what the outcome I would think of him first and set my emotions aside so I could support him. This wasn't as simple as I may have just put it; I lay in my bed crying for over an hour and a half. I was crying and asking why God has to ask for so much, why can't life just be easier? Sometimes I feel like God asks for so much and doesn't realize how hard it is. The more God asks for the harder it gets, I want it to be easy and comfortable again. With transferring to Biola and then coming here and now Chris maybe going to Costa Rica...why can't it just be easy? So in the midst of not understanding and hurting, I prayed for the peace that God can see my future and Chris' and that his way is higher than mine. As I was praying I kept asking why? why? and I could hear him say "My way is higher than yours, trust me with this, give me your heart I will not fail you." That morning Chris and I talked for about two hours and I told him I supported him either way and was praying for us. I told him I was proud of him and so lucky to get to walk this part of our lives together. I anxiously awaited the call and at 8:30 that evening I got the call. HE IS IN!! He is so excited and I am so proud. I am still sad to be away for another four months but when ever will we have opportunities like this? He has added a Spanish minor and so far loves it so this opportunity is wonderful and will probably help him to get into the nursing program! And, if I can figure it out financially, I will probably visit him for Spring Break!! So I am still sad but so excited for him!

Again, as I was praying through this situation I was listening to Bebo Norman and the song that stuck out the most was...

Yes I Will
In the passion of Your sacrifice
I saw the prophecy fulfilled
The Healer of the world, the wounded Christ
I heard You say, come follow me
So I will, yes I will

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
I will follow you
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord. Follow you, I will Yes I will

On the sacred path, You bled for us
Scorned and broken, up that hill
How terrible the cross, how glorious
I heard You say, come follow me
So I will, So I will, yes I will, yes I will
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
I will follow you

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord. Follow you, I will Yes I will

Will I stumble in the darkness?
In my weakness, when I feel afraid
Hear me Jesus, Hear me Jesus, when I call Your name
Oh help me Lord, won't You help me Lord
Please help me Lord
Would you help me Lord

Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
I will follow you
Follow You Jesus, all the way up that hill
To the cross where the river runs
Crimson even still, yes I will
Follow You Lord. Follow you, I will

Help me Jesus, when I feel afraid

Jesus is calling me to follow him all the way up that hill...to leave it all behind in search of him. That doesn't mean forgetting about it but just surrendering it into his hands. In this situation I need to leave it in Jesus hands and follow his call. If he can sacrifice his life, I can sacrifice comfort and 4 months of living close. So...Chris is off to Costa Rica and hopefully I can visit, I am trying to trust God in the midst of it being hard.

In other news, this Wednesday marks half way of this whole experience. Please pray that I will enjoy this last half and homesickness will stay at a good level. Please pray for Chris and I as we prepare for more separation. Please pray for me because I have some sort of flu thing and haven't eaten much in 2 days. I am starting to look forward greatly to being home and seeing familiar faces! I miss you all so so much!

Lions and Elephants and Hippos, Oh MY!!

Yes this weekend I went on a Safari! What and amazing experience. We roughed it a little and stayed in tents in the bush next to the lake. That was good and bad, the hippos then had free reign over our area. Each night as we were climbing into our tents a hippo would walk right through the campsite. They are big awkward animals but they have huge teeth and can run up to 35 miles per hour so I chose not to mess with them. Usually there was a littler one and a bigger one who would stroll on by munching on the grass.

The first morning we woke up and left at 6:30, the first thing we saw were tons of warthogs and some cod. Then some elephants, they are huge! We could come within like 20 feet of them, which is amazing but a little scary because at any moment they can get mad and charge the van. We had rented a pop-top van so we got to sit on the roof and observe the animals. Later after driving for about 2 hours we finally saw two lionesses! It was so amazing to see wild animals that are that huge. It made me really feel like I live in Africa. We were only out for about 3 hours but got to see so much.

We came home and I got to rest and sit on a beautiful porch for 5 hours watching hippos swim in the lakes. It was literally the first chance I have had to sit and rest. I was able to journal and read my Bible. I actually felt a little refreshed after 5 hours of nothing!

Then we left again for an evening safari from 4:30-7:30. We right away saw a herd of elephant and one of them had a tiny baby that could fit under her legs. It was super cute! We then saw many more cod, water buck, water buffalo and warthogs but we really wanted to see more lions. Our prayers came true when we noticed about 6 lionesses lying underneath a tree. After about 5 minutes we realized there were 2 little cubs wrestling on the ground! We watched them for about half an hour. We were about 100 yards from them, which was close enough for my comfort, but our driver assured us that we were safe; lionesses take a long time to make decisions apparently.

Overall the weekend was an amazing time to rest and regroup for another week. It is often hard though to do these things alone. Before I left Chris told me to take a picture with Simba but to not touch the hippos, when I saw both I thought of him. I thought how much my dad would love to sit and watch the sunset with me and how much my mom would have loved to sit with me on the porch and soak it all in. I thought about how much my sister would have loved to sit on top of the car belting out The Circle of Life song with me. All these experiences are so fun but they are somewhat dampened when someone you love is not next to you sharing it with you. I have told Chris many times how much sweeter these experiences would be if he could do it with me. I wish I could see their faces as they take in the joy of life. I wish I didn't have to tell my family and Chris about this but that they could actually do it with me.

On a more positive note...I promise next week's post to be very entertaining...tonight I am going to kill a chicken for dinner and this weekend I am going to a circumcision ceremony in Mbale!! It should be fun!

Please be praying for me, these past two weeks have been very hard. I am probably the most homesick I have ever been and life is just getting difficult. I have been told that these are generally the hardest weeks but that doesn't make it any easier. Chris will find out probably tomorrow whether or not he was accepted to study abroad next semester in Costa Rica, which would mean another 4 months apart. I am missing our anniversary on the 31st and am just struggling with being so far from him. Life here is not much different but it is still just as foreign. There has been little comfort (I actually ate raisins last night which was a huge treat!). Please pray that at this time I would be able to focus on why I am here, that God would meet me in my loneliness and show me himself more and more. Please pray for a wonderful time despite wanting to be home so badly.

On a side note...the sunrise was spectacular this morning. It was bright orange and the whole sky was lit up. I walked extra slowly so I could watch it all!

Monkeys and pygmies and an earthquake!

So for a more in depth update. This weekend we drove 13 hours to Western Uganda to visit a doctor in Bwindi. Unfortunately the doctor was stuck in Kampala so we met with a man named Richard. On Saturday morning he showed us around the hospital and then took us on a 4o min hike up a beautiful mountain to build a mud hut!!! Before leaving I literally almost ran into a monkey in a tree, Richard brought out bananas and I got to feed a wild monkey! The little one reached down from the tree and took it right out of my hand. However, I held out a banana to a big monkey and he ran at me, which scared me, so I screamed and threw the banana at hime! We were told we were going to be working with the Batwa people; they are pygmies who are some of the poorest in the area. They had already built some of the framework but our job was to tie the rods together with banana reeds. It was a tedious but so fun process. It was great to finally get to be used, I feel like so often we hear about different missionaries and we hear about the different projects but the problem is that we never actually get to do the projects. I worked along side many men and women who were so thankful we came to help. They loved that we could actually tie the knots that were up high; an average height for the pygmies is about 4 1/2 ft. tall. We took a few hours to tie the knots and stopped before mudding the house to eat some lunch. After the Batwa had finished their lunch of posho, and we had finished our lunch of cheese sandwiches, we began mixing mud. We mixed so much I felt like we could have mudded over 3 houses but since I am so inexperienced I did not know it was only enough to make the corners of the one house we had begun. After we were finished they performed a dance for us. One little girl broke out of the group to grab one of us to dance with...she came right to me!! We all really love dancing with the people here. I know this may be hard for some of you to imagine but I do dance often here! Afterward a man named Bernard showed us how to make fire by rubbing sticks together, it actually worked! Then he showed us bowls, hand carved gorillas and necklaces we could buy. Of course I did, I really like to buy things from people I have a relationship with so there is a story behind what I bought. Overall the day was amazing. Then that night, as we were all peacefully sleeping at 3 AM another earthquake!! It was really small, I was actually the only one who felt it so I woke up the rest of my cabin so they could feel it too! Apparently earthquakes are rare here but I've been in 2 in less than a week! SO FUN!!

On Sunday we woke up early, drove for 40 min and then hiked about an hour to church. There was one point where I literally could have thrown a stone and it would have landed in the Congo.
The service was a usual Anglican church service with its little African twists like auctioning off food for the offering. We went to a man named Erik's house for lunch and then walked back to the bus in the rain.

On our drive home we got 3 flat tires, stopped for 3 hours for lunch at our driver's mom's house. She had made the absolute best beans ever! All in all it took over 17 hours to return which scared our host families since we did not return until midnight on Monday night. This was my favorite weekend of our whole time. It was amazing to be able to get out of a classroom and actually serve people. I loved holding a little Batwa baby named William who peed all over me and dancing with the sweet little girl. I love the people of Uganda, God has made them so uniquely in his image and he portrays himself in such a beautiful light through them.

For those of you who do not know, for years there has been great conflict in Sudan, Congo and Uganda. Joseph Coney and his rebel army the LRA (Lords Resistance Army) have been trying to over throw the government. Unfortunately he recognized that some of the most efficient soldiers are child soldiers. Many boys are abducted to be soldiers and girls are used as sex slaves. We are talking little kids, like 7 or 8. He has gained power over the years and it is a pretty big conflict now. For over a year peace talks have been occurring but not much has changed. Where we stayed this weekend was right in the middle of some of the problem areas, not at all as dangerous as Northern Uganda, but there were rebel soldiers in the hills of Bwindi. This weekend it really hit home for me the plight of these people. It was one of the first times I felt unsafe but I was in a locked cabin with many people and only stayed for 3 days. What if I lived here always? The kids and families affected have really been on my mind since we came home.

Please pray for the situation with the Congolese rebels, the LRA and the people of Northern Uganda. If you do not know much on this situation please watch the Invisible Children video and do research. Child soldiers need our prayers to help this conflict end. Please pray that the peace talks will become successful, over 90 kids were abducted from Uganda in September. Please pray for each and every child who has been abducted, pray for their freedom and restoration. God is big, so much bigger than Joseph Coney and his army. God is bigger than the damage that has been done to this country and to the lives of everyone affected. Please pray for healing and restoration in Uganda, Jesus is here and alive and at work!

I love Bebo!

On the way to Bwindi (very close to the Congo border) I took a lot of silent alone time to really feel out why I am here. To figure out the reason God brought me here, not in a negative sense like why in the world would God bring me to Africa but more like I wonder why he would bring me here, what is he trying to teach or show me? I was listening to my ipod to Bebo Norman and a few songs really jumped out and spoke to me about the closeness of God when I feel like I'm one in a million people in Africa. One of the things I've concluded that God is trying to show me in an intense but intimate way that he is so close. More than ever I am learning how much involved God is in my everyday life. This weekend, which I will blog more about later, I fed a wild monkey and built a mud hut with pigmies, I lived in the impenitrable forest where gorilla's are a common sight. I could throw a rock from Uganda to the Congo and had to be careful at night because the Congo is very dangerous right now and there are Congolese rebels all around. Yet, I found God in all those areas. I saw a different and more alive aspect of the God who protected me and let me have my favorite weekend so far. God is as big as the forest but as small as the mosquito who bit my foot. He is as gentle as the breeze or as intense as the afternoon sun. God is big but so close. He is mine and I get to live that every day knowing I have a relationship with a God who made it all!


DRIFTING
Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
'Cause I'm scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

SOLDIER
Remember the time when i thought of letting go
and taking back my hand
when all i could think was how long can i follow you
and where do I stand in this world
I lost my faith, my reason to believe
when I refused to see
oh Lord, you carried me

And just like a soldier
you battle for my soul
but more like a father
you come and take me home

What is the worth of a man living for himself
with a heart of his own
and every day goes in and out, still without a sign of life
but Father wont you please give me more
when everything is closing in on me
I know you set me free the day you died for me

And just like a soldier
you battle for my soul
but more like a father
you come and take me home

And who is this man who calls me by name
and covers himself with all of my shame
but not even death could make you surrender
I remember

And just like a soldier
you battle for my soul
but more like a father
you come and take me home

Turning my world upside down..

Well, not upside down but from side to side! Yes, last night I was in an earthquake! I have lived in California for over 2 years and still have not been in an earthquake. In fact a few times, I have been in California and left for AZ and one will happen within 3 days. So last night it finally happened. Rachel, Caitlyn and I were working on homework and it hit. THe whole house started shaking and although they tell you to go under a doorway we ran outside. I do not trust the Ugandan architecture and felt much safer outside so we ran outside screaming "it's an earthquake!!!" Mind you we had been home alone so we all had on spaghetti straps and shorts which is equivalent to be dressed as a slut here, uh oh! Two blonds and a red head, dressed scandalously screaming was quite a scene on a busy Ugandan street. Also, it only lasted for a few seconds so by teh time we actually made it out there the earthquake was far over. We finally realized the funny looks and ran back into the house. We laughed a ton and were all very excited because it was a first for all of us. Unfortunately when we tried to share the excitement with the rest of our families, most of them laughed at us, or said they had not felt it. Either way it was a momentous event for the three of us and provided a fun memory for us!

On a more serious note God reveals himself to me in a grand way. Most mornings I wake up before the sun is up, I usually bathe in the dark and by the time I leave to walk to school the sun is just peaking up over our hill. You see Mukono has 5 hills, I live on top of one and the University is on top of another (I literally walk up hill both ways to and from school but there is no snow). As I walk the sunrise is brilliant! There are vibrant blue, pink, orange and yellows that paint the clouds. Because it rains daily, the sky is constantly filled with clouds. It is absolutely spectacular. Throughout the 45 min walk the sky only grows more and more colorful, by the time I reach school the sun is fully up and we both begin our days together. As the day goes on it usually becomes more and more and more hot and does not cool down until about 6 pm. Just in time for me to walk back and be home by my curfew of 7! So as I begin my journey home so does the sun! Again I get to see the colors as they are painted vastly against the entire sky. When I return home there are only a few minutes left of daylight but they are some of the most colorful. I sometimes sit on my veranda and watch the colors dance against the clouds. No two seconds are the same. It reminds me so much of the awesome Arizonan sunsets. It also makes me miss home a little but makes me feel a little connected to home. Last night as I was walking I started crying realizing that the same God made the sunset of Arizona and of Uganda. The same God caused the earthquake of Mukono and California. No matter how far I go whether I am ten miles away or 10,000 God is God!