From the Heart

Ok, so I have had a lot of emotions since I've been here, for an accurate glimpse of where my heart is deep down here is my journal from last night.

Today was the first Sunday I got to spend with my family and attend my dad's church. I love how much my family loves Jesus. Everything they do is very intentional, Church was good, very liturgical because it is Anglican but nothing can be too rigid because I am in Africa. Then we ate a delicious lunch that had beef! My first time having meat with my family, and popo-papaya! Although all of this is wonderful there is a constant sadness that bring me to tears almost daily. I desperately miss home. I miss family, Chris and friends who know me deeply and intimately. Nothing here feels comfortable or sure-EVERYTHING is different. i want people who speak my language. I don't want to fall asleep listening to mice scurrying around my bedroom. I don't want to kill another bug, spider, or cockroach in my room. I'm tired if peeing in a hole that reeks. I don't want to have to take a shower out of a bucket outside in a 3 walled concrete slab with no door or roof that is next to the latrine so it too reeks. I want to see other white people on a constant basis. I know they call this culture stress or culture shock but I don't care, I want to go home. I still don't know why I am here, I feel like I am just going through my days waiting for the next one. I intentionally try to present everywhere I go but it just makes me feel more isolated. I carry my phone everywhere hoping for a call or text from home. I dread doing my laundry again by hand. I love walking to school but I am tired of men proposing to me or asking me to come home with them. I want someone to know me, not just want me sexually or for my money because I am white. Even this morning when I was about to leave for church my mom, who I love, said she liked my dress and then asked if "maybe I will leave it for here when I go home." I am lonely, confused, used up, exhausted, and all together tired of Africa. The "honeymoon" is over and I want to go home. I do not want to be pitied and I am not constantly feeling like this bu tin the quietness of night, or when someone brings up family, friends or Chris or when I am journaling the sadness creeps in. I have intentionally not journaled this before because I did not want to think about it but in truthfulness this is hard. Everyday brings struggles. How can I do another 95 of these days? A popular African saying is "slowly by slowly," unfortunately I am ready for it to be over now. I want to go home.